Oh, where do I begin. This is going to be hard as I have never even kept a journal before.
This year has been both challenging and rewarding. I am learning to grow and do things on my own when I have never really had to do that before. Thanks to my friends, family and church for being so supportive of me and listening to my crying and struggles throughout this new beginning.
This year has been about 5 years in the making. Dave and I have been drifting farther and farther apart as I have stayed home and he has been working mad hours. The straw that broke the camel's back came on January 26th of this year when I had had enough and I packed Dave's stuff up in the van and dropped it off in his car at work with a note that said, "Don't come home until you have your priorities straight". That was the last time that Dave slept in this house. 3 days later I realized what a mistake I had made and asked him to come back home and work together to fix what had been broken. As of today, October 29th, he is still gone.
I feel totally responsible for the way things are now and I hate that the kids are without their father, but Dave has also made his choice apparently clear. He told me a few days ago that "he is incapable of love and has never loved, and that the last 14 years has just been out of responsibility". Throughout this whole year, I have complained that he does not call the kids at all, only comes to see them once a week for a couple hours, and rarely does anything with them, now I finally understand why.
I am trying to move on but it is hard when you still love the person that you made a vow in front of God to love, cherish, in sickness, health, good and bad times till death. I have tried reminding him of that but it goes back to the incapable of love thing, why did he marry me then instead of just walking away, it would have been easier than 14 years of lies.
I am doing my best to take care of the kids and build something for myself. Back in May I bought the house that I have been renting for the last 8 1/2 years so that I have a place to raise the kids. Things had been going great until i could not get rid of the tenant that came with the house, land Dave stopped paying support and maintenance. Now I am quickly losing everything. I can't find a job to support us and it has been 6 weeks since I have had any income. My church was able to put together a love in action week where members came and helped me with various things to get it ready to rent. what a wonderful expression of love!!! Thanks a million times over!!!
From here on out I am just going to try to write about my daily life and the struggles and joys of being a single mom. Hope you will all share my journey with me.
